Low Libido: What It Really Means and When to Seek Help
Low libido, or low sex drive, is something I see often in my therapy clinic. There are many reasons for low desire, and understanding yours is the first step towards changing it.
Common causes of low desire
Some low desire comes from being in a particular life stage, such as the transition into parenthood or going through perimenopause. Some causes are physical, like low testosterone or other health issues. And some are rooted in the relationship itself - not fancying your partner anymore, carrying the mental load, or not actually having the kind of sex you're interested in.
What I see most often, though, is that it isn't low libido at all. It's responsive desire.
Responsive desire vs spontaneous desire
The theory goes that there are two types of desire.
First there's spontaneous desire - the kind we tend to see on screen, where someone is up for sex most of the time. It's the version of desire most of us are taught to expect, though it's only one way desire works.
Then there's responsive desire, which needs something to respond to. Someone with responsive desire usually initiates less, because they need sexually relevant stimuli for their desire to build. These people also tend to have more barriers to sex, so things like work stress and mental load can be enough to put the brakes right on.
If this sounds like you, it doesn't mean anything has gone wrong. Responsive desire is common and completely normal - it simply works differently from the spontaneous kind.
How a sex therapist can help
Working with a sex therapist should help you get to the bottom of what's underneath your low desire. From there, you can work towards a solution - if you want to have more desire.
And that "if" matters. If it's not a problem, it's not a problem - not wanting sex isn't an issue in its own right. I work with all sorts of people on all sorts of things, but I'd only work with someone on increasing their desire if that's something they actually want for themselves. In other words, I help people who want to want more sex.
Ready to explore what's underneath your low desire?
If you'd like to understand your desire and work towards feeling differently, I'd love to hear from you.
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Read more about mismatched sexual desire below
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes low libido?
Low desire can come from a life stage such as new parenthood or perimenopause, from physical causes like low testosterone or other health issues, or from things within the relationship itself. Often, though, it isn't low libido at all - it's responsive desire.
Is low libido a problem?
Not in its own right. If your low desire isn't bothering you, it isn't something that needs fixing. It only becomes worth working on if you'd like to feel differently.
What's the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire?
Spontaneous desire arises on its own, seemingly out of nowhere. Responsive desire needs something to respond to and builds once there's sexually relevant stimulation. Both are completely normal - they simply work differently.
Can a sex therapist help with low desire?
Yes. A sex therapist can help you understand what's sitting underneath your low desire, and from there work towards more desire if that's something you want for yourself.