Sexless Relationships: When It's a Problem, and When It Isn't

Sex within a relationship can happen - or not happen - for all sorts of reasons.

There's a strong societal idea that a relationship has to look a certain way, and that sex within a relationship has to look a certain way too. It's worth questioning that. A sexless relationship isn't automatically a problem - it depends entirely on how you feel about it.

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When a Sexless Relationship Isn't a Problem

If you're not having sex, but you don't actually want to be - and you still feel happy, fulfilled, and connected in your relationship - then there really isn't an issue. Not having sex isn't a problem in its own right. A sexless relationship is only worth doing something about if it's bothering you.

Part of this is recognising that "sexless" doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, and there's no single blueprint for how sex is supposed to fit into a relationship. For some people, sex is central to how they connect with their partner, and its absence feels like a real loss. For others, sex is one part of a much bigger picture, and a period without it - whether that's weeks, months, or longer - doesn't shake how close or committed they feel. Neither of those is the "right" way to be. What matters is whether the way things are actually works for you both.

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When You Do Want to Be Having Sex

If you're in a sexless relationship and sex is something you want, there can be lots of different reasons why it isn't happening.

Some of them are physical - a dysfunction that puts a barrier in the way of sex. Perhaps sex feels out of reach because an erection won't last long enough, or because of vaginismus or pelvic pain.

Others sit within the relationship itself. Maybe something between you is making one or both of you not want sex. Perhaps the sexual energy has faded and you feel more like teammates or housemates than partners. Perhaps you've stopped fancying each other. Or maybe you're simply not having the kind of sex you actually want - in which case it's no wonder sex doesn't feel appealing.

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Sex Across Different Relationship Structures

The same is true across different kinds of relationships. In my practice, I work with people in monogamous, polyamorous, and open relationships, and there's no one way sex is meant to look in any of them.

This is especially worth remembering in non-monogamous set-ups, where sex might be shared across more than one connection. Quite often when I work with a nesting partner in a polyamorous relationship, they might not be having much sex with each other, but they may be having sex with other people - and their bond as partners is no less strong for it. If that works for everyone involved, then it's a perfectly good way to do things. You don't need to be having sex in every one of your relationships, and the same is true within a single relationship: the goal isn't a particular amount of sex, it's a set-up that feels right to you - and only worth a closer look if it stops feeling that way.

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How a Sex Therapist Can Help

If your sexless relationship isn't one you want, I often work with people to get to the root of why it's become that way. From there - if it's what you want - we can start to work towards having more sex.

And that "if" matters. I work with all sorts of people on all sorts of things, but I'd only work with someone on having more sex if that's something they genuinely want for themselves.

In fact, people often come to see me because they feel they should be having more sex - and now and then the work leads somewhere they didn't expect, and they realise that more sex isn't something they want after all. That's a perfectly good outcome too.